|muse:|

a: i dont really see 12:34 anymore. i catch it at 12:31. its annoying.

i dont know what to do.

*this morning when i awoke i went to go wash my face, i paused for a moment. i felt like i had woken up in california. same feeling.

friday night. 12:57 am.

about thirty seconds ago, that who i really am, is not what i portray. naturally, this sounded crazy to me. when you are alone, thats who you are. when i am around people, i am not this relaxed, pensive being sitting in front of her laptop. i kinda wish i could be this quiet around people. it would save me a few headaches, to be honest.

traveling somewhere

could be anywhere

theres a coldness in the air

but i don't care

we drift deeper

life goes on

we drift deeper

into the sound

the feeling is strong

so bring it on

embrace me

surround me

as the rush comes

chilling. last night in california. smoking a cigarette. posting on the comp. thinking. feeling. listening. still rolling a bit, a quite stoned. e, for lack of a better word, when in a relaxed place, is at ease. good, very good friends, all around. you could feel the electricity in the air. and the comfortabiltiy we were in. we picked up as if seven years had not gone by. though it obvious time has passed, but we picked up. i cant help but smile because those few reading know what i mean by this..feeling.

i knew this song hit me hard for a reason. every time it would come on randomly, something would push me to listen to it again and again. and again.

as the rush comes.

the universe is a beautiful place. if you look at it. everything is connected. it has to be. i mean. once you starting feeling the world, it all connects more and you see them. of course this could just be how my mind twists things to see. but there, is the key. my mind twists things to see. am i twisting or just seeing.

then again, could just be me.

its high time i wrote something here.

its sunday morning. may 23rd. went to sleep real early last night. by 10 i was in bed. i needed the sleep. woke up alone. again. its mornings such as this where id like to wake up next to someone. i guess sunday mornings are those mornings. a friend introduced me to a great site: stereomood.com (yes, the site repeats songs on dif playlists, but its not like its a bother to rehear them. they are good. and i like the lists.)

currently:

- listening to 'amber' by 311 on the 'good karma' playlist

- in bed with a shirt i bought yesterday which i will design today

- contemplating on making coffee, smoking a bowl, reading, designing, drawing, or going on hulu ('cams turned me on to some good shows this past week) its 10:25 in the morning.

-texting conversing with (hmm, lets come up with an alias for her…) endocet. the ewok. im glad we've reconnected. ive been through a lot with this girl. no wonder we needed our time apart. kept in contact at times, with a hey. yea, you still exist kinda thing. def not with the same intensity as before. it hurt my heart, but its slowly coming back together, and i couldn't be happier about it. really :)

hm. i shall make coffee, smoke, and paint. yes, i know. wasn't even on my list. but thats how i roll.

*sigh* i just moved around and found that i don't have the energy needed for those activities yet..

i don't smoke too much. i just happen to smoke whenever the fuck i want (okay, not whenever), but if i have a means in my drawer, then i will. if i want to keep this up, not too sure, i need to exercise. i know i dance, but not enough. my body gets tired lately. fast.

*need to shower*

this week, i think i will practice being quiet, and not biting nails. i can handle those two things. i just need to be fully conscious at all times and not let these things happen unconsciously.

update: my lens is fixed!!!! thank you 'casm!!! in the end, it was her still hands that fixed the connection. and it works beautifully. took 439 pictures at the trombone's gig. they did fantastic! the crowd was shouting 'one more song, one more song!' i was quite proud for him ^__^

*let's just say, by the time i am posting this (now), ive only made breakfast and showered. and have to go to my dads. nothing has gotten done that i wanted. but thats ok :)

...be careful as to what you wish for.

love is not understood anymore

i've said it before. and i still believe it. his soul is not of this world, this time. it has a strong wavelength that this world is not equipped for today. only few are like this. our wavelengths will align again one day.

*-----

oh man. i don't belong in this state. baltimore south los angeles..where these programs exist! to help children through music. with music. i am not needed in new jersey. my help is needed elsewhere. oh man.

watch this. a venezuelan man wants change to happen through music.

finally.

someone had to pave the way, i guess. step into the unknown for the rest to follow suit (your words ring in my head)

students really want to learn here..and the difference is seen! i think this is where i need to go.

its like air its like water like breathing i need music i always need to be surrounded by the sound and the magic

what is the message:

that through music through art is possible to change life of thousands of children. of a society. through music.

this man is a genius. i want to go watch how they teach groups of kids. its beautiful. perhaps i will start a program at the library. a beta. let's see where it goes.

in order for something to work efficiently, it has to be able to stand on its own.

i saw you cry today

the pain may fill you
i saw you shy away
the pain will not kill you

you made me smile today
you spoke with many voices
we travelled miles today
shared expressions voiceless

it has to end
living in your head
without anything to numb you
living on the edge
without anything to numb you

it has to end to begin

began an end today
gave and got given
you made a friend today
kindred soul cracked spirit

it has to end to begin

living in your head
without anything to numb you
living on the edge
without anything to numb you

it had to end to begin

...

it has begun

(sia - numb)

i didnt want it to be that way.

::hiatus::

The Dunning–Kruger effect is a cognitive bias in which “people reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices but their incompetence robs them of the metacognitive ability to realize it”. The unskilled therefore suffer from illusory superiority, rating their own ability as above average, much higher than in actuality; by contrast, the highly skilled underrate their abilities, suffering from illusory inferiority. This leads to a perverse result where less competent people will rate their own ability higher than more competent people. It also explains why actual competence may weaken self-confidence because competent individuals falsely assume that others have an equivalent understanding. “Thus, the miscalibration of the incompetent stems from an error about the self, whereas the miscalibration of the highly competent stems from an error about others.”

leave it to blogspot to fuck up the entire layout of that last post. i shall fix is when i feel like it.

what has happened to man!?

what has happened to integrity

and morality

and well-being

why is everything going to shit.

why do i only focus on these things. perhaps that is the issue. or perhaps they are just more evident lately.

im at work atm. these teachers, not all of them, but majority, are so set on keeping their kids. and not letting them come out to music classes. i understand that you have your lame NJASK testing coming up. but thats in like three weeks. if you are stressing now, and not letting your kids come out, then yes. you are teaching to test and for the test and only for the test. do you even see this? your students will not retain anything you teach them. once the test passes, the acquaintance, which is knowledge, is no longer in the picture.

solution:

so let them come to my class. let them play their music and be happy and stress me out with their not practicing bc they are so busy doing work for your classes that they wont really care about.

thanks.

everything teaches you something. everything is a learning experience.

ive learned, i do not want to be a public school teacher. interesting, eh? i can do this later on in my life. grad school, ive decided is happened in another country. this country is going to shit, too. within the next two years, im gone. as for what i'll do now, dunno. i love private teaching. so maybe get as many students as i can.

figure out your hardest descision and mental clarity will come

fuck.

everything is so fucking disappointing. it bothers me. id like to be held and just held. nothing else. i dont want anything else. i want to smoke til i pass out. drink til i cant feel. the music is blasting so i do not hear my thoughts.

what has happened to support!?

why are parents telling their kids 'don't practice at home, i want peace and quiet; it sounds like animals dying; the dogs are howling, stop practicing' what has happened to cultivation?

and now, politicians in new jersey have cut 88% of state school funding. but is not taxing those who make over 400,000/yr, or something like that. thats disgusting.

where is our modern day robin hood?

the sex trade will never end. politicians profit more than we think with this.

the drug trade will never end, nor will it become legalized. its a form of control. and profit.

sad, right?

i dont know what will happen to humanity. all i know is that i'd like to be here to see what happens, and id like to not be here because it will be scary.

im out.

________________________

*written friday morning while at work.

whats wrong with the world today

my heart breaks at least 5 times a day

have i fallen from grace

my students did very well in orchestra. 20 min after i wrote all this. definitely lifted my spirits until i got into my car and listened to mirza.

beautiful.

its so hard to see.

today i told the trombonist a story, that 'casm related to me, which was told to her by her friend, who got it from pablo francisco. still with me? ok, let's go.

'the trombonist' yea, that's a gun he's got. he brought me tear and share size peanut m&ms!!!

'men's minds are compartmentalized into boxes and shelves. there is a car box. a video game box. a sports box. a wife(y) box. an empty box. the empty box is reserved for when we men zone out and are not really meant to answer questions. this is the moment when the girl asks 'what are you thinking about?' (and for the most part, they want a sweet answer pertaining to them) but we have to scramble for an answer to match. but women, you women, your minds are like...intricately tangled wires where everything is fucking connected to everything else.'

this amused me. a lot :) i like making the trombonist laugh. its nice. i have not been the first to say this.

no. no substantial profound posts today. don't feel like it.

blunts&wine could not soothe this head of mine.

i promise. they will get happier...

i like sitting in the passenger seat at night with the windows down listening to music and watching the lights pass by. especially on the parkway since the lights are sporadic and the geometric shapes they create and play around with against the night sky as you drive past (sight)

it is easter. copland's 'appalachian spring' would be a great piece for when jesus returns. unless he was angry, then the badass section in beethoven's third symphony, first mvt.

this is an interesting age we are at. chronologically. mid twenties. break the fucking statistic.

i sit here at 2:26 am knowing i should sleep again. i was prepared for an adventure, so i've been waking up every half hour so i don't pass out completely. but rather, am going with the original plan of scrolling up and finding creation.

the heart, mind and soul, though intangible, are very powerful things

i haven't been happy lately. its getting to me now. i also haven't spoken to a few good friends of mine that i'd really like to talk to. where did my time go? i need to change this.

4:12 am

i wrote everything down. it helped. why haven't i done this earlier? i must beat my lack of motivation. i had a snack, watched an episode of my current show. i think im in a good mood to sleep to sleep now.

the late night morning bird is out. just heard him. i much prefer the night time. its much more quiet. peaceful.

i really enjoi metric. there is something about her music that makes me feel like im alright. yanno?

i went to visit the forest for a bit today. it was lovely. the trees, the air, the feeling of being away from everything, yea. i like it. i cannot wait to go camping.

goodnight moon.

feel like just a baby

portrait of a lady

poster of a girl

this will be a series: of what i wanted to post for days. the internet gods are on my side. at least for the time being, that is (thank you for internet!).

i'm a scary gargoyle on a tower
that you made with plastic power
your rhinestone eyes are like
factories far away
with the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep
drive on engines til they weep we're
future pixels in factories far away
so call the mainland from the beach
our pod is now washed up in bleach the
waves are rising
for this time of year
and nobody knows what to do with the heat
under sunshine pylons we'll meet while
rain is falling like rhinestones from the sky

can't see it now my heart is frozen
all the birds and all that grows are
tapping at the natives in my soul
i prayed on the immovable
you're clinging to the atoms and I'm
seeing the adjustment signs of change
and I can't see now she said taxi
the light is all that I can take
this storm brings strange royalties, and skies
i'm a scary gargoyle on a tower
that you made with plastic power
your rhinestone eyes are like
factories far away

(here we go again)

That's Electric
helicopters fly over the beach
same time everyday, same routine
clear target in summer
when skies are blue
it's part of the noise when winter comes
it reverberates in my lungs
nature's corrupted
in factories far away

That's Electric
your love's like rhinestones, falling from the sky

That's Electric
we're future pixels in factories far away

1. the word "sex" plus any of the following: sweaty, grinding, makeup, exculpatory, oral, and of course, hot monkey.

2. the sweet torque of a perfectly thrown ball: curve, foot-, bowling, doesn't matter.

3. your favorite band's next tour. why the hell didn't you go last time?

4. the new: people. places. tastes. sensations. profanities you haven't tried, like "balls!". gadgets. cars. players on your favorite team. blacktop on your street. information. instruction. friends. lovers. things that grab your imagination, even fleetingly, and make you hunger for more.

5. the surprise of receiving something unsolicited from a woman.

6. inception's release. don't know it? o brother, go forth and google.

7. midsummer, when you can slap an obscenely thick tomato slice on every meal for a week.

8. novels way better than their movies: the beach, by alex garland; a simple plan, by scott smith; and leaving las vegas, by john o'brien.

9. the morning after uninterrupted sleep.

10. sticking around to stick in the craw of those who cannot stand you.


- 'live like you're dying,' chuck palahnuick, written for men's health, april 2010

the dance party went well. i had good reason to be as excited as i was.