|muse:|

what do you do when you lose someone you never really wanted to lose. i dont feel like talking about it anymore. but this hits home. it hits close. this stays in me. as he would say, 'its my burden to bear'.

we all have our burdens.

when you think about that, you realize that we are human. lately ive had to plead for people to understand that we are just human. i think i should keep that into account more.

ive been told not to feel bad. but you know what? i do. and im not trying to get rid of this pain. perhaps i am a masochist and i enjoi the sadness. or im just trying to hold on to him somehow still. itll pass when it passes, and when it does, that will be the moment of truth.

my emotions are strong. relatively speaking, ive gone through a fair bit these past few weeks. ive seen the universe give and take. and then destroy.

necessity?

product?

by-product?

unfortunate series of events? *thinking this way amuses the shite out of me. the more i stand by this, the more connections are seen. i think i should stop trying to see all the connections and just...be. perhaps i am seeing them bc i want to. like, selective hearing.

i fucked up a bit this time.

and i dont feel well anymore.