|muse:|

i saw you cry today

the pain may fill you
i saw you shy away
the pain will not kill you

you made me smile today
you spoke with many voices
we travelled miles today
shared expressions voiceless

it has to end
living in your head
without anything to numb you
living on the edge
without anything to numb you

it has to end to begin

began an end today
gave and got given
you made a friend today
kindred soul cracked spirit

it has to end to begin

living in your head
without anything to numb you
living on the edge
without anything to numb you

it had to end to begin

...

it has begun

(sia - numb)

i didnt want it to be that way.

::hiatus::

The Dunning–Kruger effect is a cognitive bias in which “people reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices but their incompetence robs them of the metacognitive ability to realize it”. The unskilled therefore suffer from illusory superiority, rating their own ability as above average, much higher than in actuality; by contrast, the highly skilled underrate their abilities, suffering from illusory inferiority. This leads to a perverse result where less competent people will rate their own ability higher than more competent people. It also explains why actual competence may weaken self-confidence because competent individuals falsely assume that others have an equivalent understanding. “Thus, the miscalibration of the incompetent stems from an error about the self, whereas the miscalibration of the highly competent stems from an error about others.”

leave it to blogspot to fuck up the entire layout of that last post. i shall fix is when i feel like it.

what has happened to man!?

what has happened to integrity

and morality

and well-being

why is everything going to shit.

why do i only focus on these things. perhaps that is the issue. or perhaps they are just more evident lately.

im at work atm. these teachers, not all of them, but majority, are so set on keeping their kids. and not letting them come out to music classes. i understand that you have your lame NJASK testing coming up. but thats in like three weeks. if you are stressing now, and not letting your kids come out, then yes. you are teaching to test and for the test and only for the test. do you even see this? your students will not retain anything you teach them. once the test passes, the acquaintance, which is knowledge, is no longer in the picture.

solution:

so let them come to my class. let them play their music and be happy and stress me out with their not practicing bc they are so busy doing work for your classes that they wont really care about.

thanks.

everything teaches you something. everything is a learning experience.

ive learned, i do not want to be a public school teacher. interesting, eh? i can do this later on in my life. grad school, ive decided is happened in another country. this country is going to shit, too. within the next two years, im gone. as for what i'll do now, dunno. i love private teaching. so maybe get as many students as i can.

figure out your hardest descision and mental clarity will come

fuck.

everything is so fucking disappointing. it bothers me. id like to be held and just held. nothing else. i dont want anything else. i want to smoke til i pass out. drink til i cant feel. the music is blasting so i do not hear my thoughts.

what has happened to support!?

why are parents telling their kids 'don't practice at home, i want peace and quiet; it sounds like animals dying; the dogs are howling, stop practicing' what has happened to cultivation?

and now, politicians in new jersey have cut 88% of state school funding. but is not taxing those who make over 400,000/yr, or something like that. thats disgusting.

where is our modern day robin hood?

the sex trade will never end. politicians profit more than we think with this.

the drug trade will never end, nor will it become legalized. its a form of control. and profit.

sad, right?

i dont know what will happen to humanity. all i know is that i'd like to be here to see what happens, and id like to not be here because it will be scary.

im out.

________________________

*written friday morning while at work.

whats wrong with the world today

my heart breaks at least 5 times a day

have i fallen from grace

my students did very well in orchestra. 20 min after i wrote all this. definitely lifted my spirits until i got into my car and listened to mirza.

beautiful.

its so hard to see.

today i told the trombonist a story, that 'casm related to me, which was told to her by her friend, who got it from pablo francisco. still with me? ok, let's go.

'the trombonist' yea, that's a gun he's got. he brought me tear and share size peanut m&ms!!!

'men's minds are compartmentalized into boxes and shelves. there is a car box. a video game box. a sports box. a wife(y) box. an empty box. the empty box is reserved for when we men zone out and are not really meant to answer questions. this is the moment when the girl asks 'what are you thinking about?' (and for the most part, they want a sweet answer pertaining to them) but we have to scramble for an answer to match. but women, you women, your minds are like...intricately tangled wires where everything is fucking connected to everything else.'

this amused me. a lot :) i like making the trombonist laugh. its nice. i have not been the first to say this.

no. no substantial profound posts today. don't feel like it.

blunts&wine could not soothe this head of mine.

i promise. they will get happier...

i like sitting in the passenger seat at night with the windows down listening to music and watching the lights pass by. especially on the parkway since the lights are sporadic and the geometric shapes they create and play around with against the night sky as you drive past (sight)

it is easter. copland's 'appalachian spring' would be a great piece for when jesus returns. unless he was angry, then the badass section in beethoven's third symphony, first mvt.

this is an interesting age we are at. chronologically. mid twenties. break the fucking statistic.

i sit here at 2:26 am knowing i should sleep again. i was prepared for an adventure, so i've been waking up every half hour so i don't pass out completely. but rather, am going with the original plan of scrolling up and finding creation.

the heart, mind and soul, though intangible, are very powerful things

i haven't been happy lately. its getting to me now. i also haven't spoken to a few good friends of mine that i'd really like to talk to. where did my time go? i need to change this.

4:12 am

i wrote everything down. it helped. why haven't i done this earlier? i must beat my lack of motivation. i had a snack, watched an episode of my current show. i think im in a good mood to sleep to sleep now.

the late night morning bird is out. just heard him. i much prefer the night time. its much more quiet. peaceful.

i really enjoi metric. there is something about her music that makes me feel like im alright. yanno?

i went to visit the forest for a bit today. it was lovely. the trees, the air, the feeling of being away from everything, yea. i like it. i cannot wait to go camping.

goodnight moon.

feel like just a baby

portrait of a lady

poster of a girl